my phone needs a breathalizer
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
