please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
