I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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