theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
