i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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