so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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