I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
