Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
