i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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