No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
