1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
