I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
