Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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