Someone shit on the floor
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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