You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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