Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
