I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
