Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
