so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
