Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
