My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
