Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
