My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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