My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
