If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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