i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
