my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
