Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
