Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
