So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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