first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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