Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
