New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Drake has all the answers
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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