he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
