Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
