dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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