im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
