listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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