Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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