this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
