She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
