remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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