New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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