I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
