apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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