i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
