You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Still dying that you shit outside
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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