By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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