Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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