sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
